How Do You Date with Joint Hypermobility Syndrome?
Chronic Illness, Pain, and Self-Esteem
From my experience working with clients who have chronic health conditions, I have learned that not knowing what to expect from their body on any given day causes problems both outwardly and in interpersonal relationships as well as inwardly with impacts on self esteem, self confidence, and mood. When people experience discomfort, they try to get away from it, a course of action rooted in survival. If you stepped on a thorn, you would pick your foot back up immediately. When pain is chronic and coming from inside of us, we can’t get away from it. As a result, people with chronic illness and pain conditions tend to be avoidant of noticing sensations in their bodies. Unfortunately this isn’t as self protective in the long term as it feels in the short term. With these types of conditions, avoiding noticing sensations results in worsened pain because we aren’t responding and adjusting as our body is signaling to us and we ignore the signals until they reach the level of pain. This is problematic for people with conditions like Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome, joint hypermobility syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Parkinson’s and many others because these conditions worsen under stress and tend to require a longer recovery time. When they push past their limits, say in order to attend an obligatory function or plans they don’t want to cancel a second time, then they may be stuck in bed for days afterwards and have to miss out on events they were really looking forward to. Chronic pain and illness are best managed by awareness, adjustment, responsiveness, and preparation.
Motivation for Dating
Most people come to me stuck in a cycle of reaction and regret. When we get to a place of reacting to pain and regretting our decisions, it’s hard to trust ourselves and feel good about ourselves. This goes hand in hand with confidence and dating because it requires us to take a leap of confidence and since we don’t know the other person yet, we have to have confidence in ourselves to be able to handle whatever may happen. Dealing with chronic health conditions is draining and unpredictable. Balancing the responsibilities of life may be challenging enough that taking on the stressor of dating feels overwhelming. This type of thinking is a sign of depression though, and while it’s not inappropriate given the stressors, it would be helpful to reach out to a professional if you’re feeling unmotivated to take part in activities with the potential for connection. Dating is a process with the ultimate goal of connection and it is easy for anyone to lose motivation when it doesn’t go as hoped right away but remember that’s normal and it’s part of the process of finding the connection you’re looking for.
Sexual Confidence
There are such a range of ways that the various chronic health conditions impact sexual confidence. Depending on how open you’ve been with people about your full range of symptoms, the level of confidence you have will likely vary. Our confidence is lower when we keep things to ourselves because even if we aren’t making it a secret, it feels shameful in some way. Once we talk about it, it’s normalized and the shock factor dissipates. The anxiety decreases. In every case, you will have the option to either say out loud what you are experiencing or keep it to yourself. With sex, the more sharing the better! If your jaw is particularly sensitive, maybe you talk about modifications you can make to create sensations in a different way. Experiment, explore, have fun, and be safe by noticing the small signs from your body and communicating about them. Letting your partner know that for you, pain requires an adjustment and isn’t a turn on is a VERY important conversation. The pain and pleasure expressions can be similar and so we need to be explicit with our partner about what we’re asking, and having these conversations ahead of time will make everything sex related better.
Advice for Managing Relationships with Joint Hypermobility Syndrome
Another common issue people with joint hypermobility and other chronic health conditions face is having to cancel plans sometimes more frequently that other people and worrying about the impact it will have on relationships. The key to handling this is awareness on both ends, communication about feelings and concerns as they arise, asking lots of questions, and being adaptable. If someone has to keep canceling plans, we may think they don’t want to see us. If they share with us that we are making plans in a place that is difficult for them, a time when their symptoms tend to be worse, a setting that is stressful in some way that kicks up their symptoms, we may be able to make an adjustment. Knowing the goal for both people is to spend time together, that can be accomplished in a variety of ways. We sometimes lose sight of what’s important by getting caught up in our worries that others see us as flawed or we just can’t access other ideas when we’re not feeling well. Keeping those close to you informed consistently saves time and helps them grow towards you in the relationship.
When Should I Start Dating?
The main question about whether to date is do you want a connection? If you want connection but you aren’t ready to date, I can almost guarantee you’ll end up with either a situationship that you’re unhappy in or some other “coping” strategy that causes another problem like shopping or drinking. If you want to connect, then you’re ready to date. We gain our confidence from pushing ourselves to do things and following through; from interactions with other people that give us those warm feelings in our chest. Confidence isn’t built in your bathroom mirror with affirmations but by living out those affirmations through our actions.
Advice for Prospective Partners
Be open, aware of their own thoughts and feelings, communicate proactively and assertively, join support groups or look up resources for supports of people with the condition, attend appointments with their partner if that’s something both parties agree to, help brainstorm alternatives when their partner tells them they are stressed and having trouble with all or nothing thinking, remind their partner of their strengths and the reasons they’re attracted to them, plan small activities to do together that build team work and communication like puzzles or problem solving games. Ask your partner if, how, and how often they want to be asked about their condition or symptoms in order to manage anxiety about asking the wrong questions at a bad time or not checking in enough.