What are the 5 active listening skills?

Featured in Good Housekeeping

Broadly speaking, to be a good active listener, you need to hone five key skills:

1. Paying attention: This might sound obvious, but it’s also the most important. “Focus on the person speaking and nothing else,” explains Natalie Fraize, LPC, a licensed mental health counselor that specializes in communication and relationships. “Silence and put away your phone [and ] look at the speaker’s face, making appropriate eye contact. “Try to focus on what they’re saying and their experience, not whatever you were doing before or have to do next. Work to be in the present!
2. Showing that you’re listening: There are lots of ways of doing this, both verbally and non-verbally. “One of the most common and well-understood ways of showing that you’re listening is nodding your head,” Fraize explains, but says there are other ways your body language, gestures and facial expressions come into play, too. For example, you can make eye contact, tilt your head, raise your eyebrows, shrug your shoulders, uncross your arms, or lean in and smile. You can also verbally acknowledge what they say by saying things like “mm-hmm” or “right” if and when it is appropriate.
3. Reflecting on what you hear: This allows you to make sure you are truly understanding what they’re saying and taking in their point of view. “If you’re familiar with the game ‘Telephone,’ then you know that our perspective colors the way we take in information when we are listening,” explains Fraize. That’s why, she continues, “it’s important to periodically summarize what you heard and share your summary with the other person to check your understanding.” Try repeating or paraphrasing things they say back to make sure you understood them correctly. You can also reflect on an emotion they expressed or share how you’re feeling using “I” statements to avoid blame or judgment.
4. Delaying judgment: If you’re truly listening and are receptive to what they’re saying, you won’t be trying to refute or form an opinion about what they’re saying until they’re finished talking. Try not to judge and avoid interrupting as much as possible unless directly solicited.
5. Responding appropriately: Ask open-ended questions, such as “How did that make you feel?” or “What happened next?” to encourage them to keep talking. Try also to give thoughtful, well-timed, and considerate responses to what you hear from them. Where you can, try to validate what they say and reflect on the best way to respond, even if you disagree.

By Natalie J. Fraize, LMHC